Jesus' wings: Let him fill your "love tank"

I sensed in my spirit, together with some of us with similar "tuggings" that we should continue to seek God and really carry on with the attitude of worship within us. It's really amazing when you know that God is speaking to us when people around you catch similar sensing through different means -- dreams, songs, the Word. 

Last night in cell meeting, we had a deep time of reflection through sharing testimonies, extended time of praise and worship, communion and prayer. Over the past weeks, it has been physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually draining for me. Even as I attempted to prepare myself for cell meeting this week, I felt challenged and I couldn't concentrate....perhaps overwhelmed by an ordeal that I was struggling through. There were nights where I was so drained that I just lazed on the sofa, stare at the TV watching American Idol, I didn't feel like doing anything.

One night during that quiet moment with God, a passage came to mind. 

Didn't think much of it. Wrote it in my journal. Not sure what God was impressing in my heart. 

Recently, the ordeal that I was going through, it took its toll and "erupted". My ignorance suddenly woke up, realising that my actions crushed a person. 

When I finally came to terms with this, when I looked to the person in the eye, I saw hurt, brokenness.  I suddenly had a God-moment, the passages that God gave me came hitting me in the face. 

"44 Then He turned to the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave Me no water for My feet, but she has washed My feet with her tears and wiped them with the hair of her head. 45 You gave Me no kiss, but this woman has not ceased to kiss My feet since the time I came in. 46 You did not anoint My head with oil, but this woman has anointed My feet with fragrant oil. 47 Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.”

~Luke 7:44-47

I recalled a revelation that I had from a book that I read some time back about this passage.  

...her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.” 

When Jesus came to Simon, who was apparently the host, treated Jesus like an "unwanted" guest, in today's context, he didn't "open the door for him, shake his hand" - meaning...he had  no manners. 

However, the woman, so lowly who didn't even deserve to be named, unkindly only known as the "sinful" woman, did all that Simon didn't. She came thirsty and hungry. Thirsty for guilt, hungry for regret. 

Simon, didn't even know whether he is thirsty or hungry. He doesn't even asks for grace. He's too proud but instead take on the grace and dissects it intellectually, debate on it etc. 

The sinful woman, experienced an immeasurable extent of forgiveness, she knew what love really meant. And because of this, she couldn't stop tasting Jesus' love and love is filled into her "love tank". 

Simon, didn't ask or desired for grace nor forgiveness, he doesn't even know the existence of a love tank. His love tank was "empty". 

I sensed a question came to me, "How's your love tank?"  

Then I felt in my heart an impression came and told me, "You are like Simon." 

I almost couldn't hold back my tears. I was crushed that I didn't realise how far I have gone from his love. My love tank has gone unattended and rusty. My actions reflected it all. 

"While she had ample love to give, he had no love to offer."

I couldn't give real love. I felt like Judas giving Jesus' a kiss. 

I could probably speak eloquently about God's love, go to church, pray, worship God...  but I couldn't embrace it and I had none to give. And the emptiness of lack of love showed in my actions. 

I remembered some time back, I was challenged to do this. 

Try paraphrase 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 by replacing the word "Love" with my name and recite it out loud. (Try it.... see how far can you go.)


"Miranda is patient, Miranda is kind. Miranda does not envy, Miranda does not boast, Miranda is not proud....."

Wooah.. wooah... hold up there....
I couldn't even recite half of it when I attempted to do it during the time of reflection in cell meet this week. I realised that I was none of these. I would be the biggest liar if I dare say these. Most of the time, we say it so conveniently. We take it so lightly. We take it for granted that by our own strength, we will never be able to become any of these. 

Only one person who ever walked the face of the earth could. JESUS. 

And if we read the same passage by replacing the word LOVE with JESUS......

"Jesus is patient, Jesus is kind. Jesus does not envy, Jesus does not boast, Jesus is not proud. Jesus is not rude, Jesus is not self-seeking, Jesus is not easily angered, Jesus keeps no record of wrongs. Jesus does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. Jesus always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Jesus never fails."

We know he meets it all. 

Rather than reminding ourselves that we cannot produce such love, let's remind us of the love that we cannot resist! God's love. 

"This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." ~ 1 John 4:9-10

I don't know about you, I was disappointed by what had happened to me this week. But for me right now, I want to be the sinful woman. I want to be called the sinful woman without a name. 

I need to taste the forgiveness of God, so that I can learn how to love once again.... 

We need to receive HIS LOVE in order to GIVE LOVE. Because we cannot give what we do not have. Embrace how much He loves you so that you know how to love the unlovable, those who have hurt you, disappoint you, betrayed you, crushed you. 

Question. Once again, how's your love tank?

...Half-full?

...A quarter full? 

...Almost empty? 

...Leaking? 

...Damaged? 

Luke 7:47 ~ It reflects Jesus' wings of love in the form a 747 aircraft. Let his love lift you up the the next level. Let his love set you free through forgiveness. 


Come thirsty and hungry this season of Easter, taste his love once again... fill up your "love tank" with the love from the one and only who can satisfy....

"How He Loves"

by John Mark McMillan

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane

I am a tree

Bending beneath

The weight of his wind and mercy

When all of a sudden

I am unaware of these

Afflictions eclipsed by glory

And I realize how beautiful you are

And how great your afflictions for me

Oh how he loves us so

Oh how he loves us

How he loves us so

Yea He loves us

Oh how

We are his portion

And he is our prize

Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes

If grace is an ocean we're all sinking

So heaven meats earth like a sloppy wet kiss

And my heart burns violently inside of my chest

I don't have time to maintain these regrets

When I think about the way

He loves us

Oh how he loves us so

Oh how he loves us

How he loves us so

 

God's Chisel

An email I sent to my cell members recently....

Hey Friends!

Warning: A very loooooong email. Read it when you are really really free.. or if you cannot finish it at one go, take a toilet break, go have a cuppa in between while you read this....

I wonder how's everyone's Saturday afternoon so far. How was cell meet for those who were there last night? Though it was a small group, but still, I hope you're equally blessed as I am (or more). This probably sounds strange but here I am feeling that I wanna let out some 'verbal diarrhoea' which I wasn't able to express out much during last night's cell meet, as those of you who were there, knew that I wasn't feeling very well. Nonetheless, just want to say a big THANK YOU to those who were there for the support and prayers to sustain me through facilitating 'Word' time. Just to share a GOOD GOOD news, I am feeling a LOT more better today! I hardly coughed! YES! Do NOT short change the power of prayer because it takes only a small mustard seed of faith for God to MOVE mountains! And anyone can have the gift of healing, if only you believe!

Anyway, for the benefit of those who were not there last night, we watched a short skit called "God's Chisel"

Yes, it is a message about God chiseling away the unwanted things in our lives. it could have been pride, anger, comparing to others instead of God, lust, pretending to be busy etc.. These flaws in us could have been stuck on us for so long and yet we do not realise it. Just want to say many thanks to all of you openly shared about your experiences, be it past or present, about how God has pruned you out of being your old self, to who you are today. Also, to those who openly acknowledge that we need to change, although it is hard. You guys are awesome, and I love your transparency because it makes me feel a lot better knowing that I am as sinful as you are but we are here to encourage one another to grow out of our hindrances in allowing God to chisel us to who He desires for us to become ==> more like HIS SON.

Just to recap on my testimony for those who were not there, I shared that I used to be a very performance-driven person. Ever since I was young, I have been a stage-person. I used dance, sing, go for story-telling competitions etc a lot.. so yeah, I grew up in an environment where I liked to be noticed and self-image is very important to me. I always wanted to win and I wanted to be excellent in everything I do so that I could sustain the confidence that the people around me have in me. I loves the trophies that I have won and I enjoyed counting them every end of the year during the prize-giving ceremony in school. Yes, I was one of the popular stage girl in school.

After coming out of primary school, I moved away from KL and went up to Penang. When I was in Penang, I felt that I lost a big part of my life. In this little island, no one knew who I am, no one knew that I was a performer etc. I was a nobody. I kept a very low profile. Until 2 years later, I felt that I missed the stage, I decided to participate in a choral speaking competition. During the day of the competition, I felt lots of butterflies in my stomach and I felt very nervous, to the extent that I actually threw up before the competition. I was once the President of the Interact Club, I went up the stage to deliver a speech, I couldn't stop shaking. Many at the at the floor noticed. Through these incidents, I felt that I lost my confidence in myself. I wasn't who I was anymore. I lost my confidence in speaking in public and my desires of being in the limelight just faded away.
Looking back at these experiences, I felt that God was really chiseling me out of many things. He was chiseling me away from being a people-pleaser. He was also chiseling me away from being self-dependent, always thinking that, "it is I who can do it!" He was chiseling me away from being a 'performer'. He knew I was desiring so much to gain the approval of men.

I am not saying that He has finished His works in me. Until today, I believe He is still moulding me and pruning me in my character. In His own way, He is showing me that it is not by my own strength or capabilities that I could do certain things, He was showing me that I needed Him. He had to gently push me out of my insecurities and thoughts of inadequacy to show that His love has no boundaries. He has placed me in places to serve where I felt not too comfortable in (eg. back in Australia, I used to serve in the Worship Ministry). As much as I felt that I didn't want to be 'up there', He placed me 'up there' because in this relationship that we have with Him, HE HOLDS US UP, whenever we fall. And I can testify that. I believe it is the same in many parts of your lives too. In all honesty, yes, it takes a lot of courage for me to come back again, to serve, even to facilitate "Word" time. As mentioned, I fear being in front of a crowd when all eyes are on me. So yes, again, thank you for your support and prayers. I know it probably wasn't the 'best' that I could have done, but you know what, God is not looking for someone who is willing to perform, but He is looking for someone who's wiling to avail themselves, even if it has to take us out of our comfort zone. I really wanna applaud Jonathan for availing himself 2 weeks ago to serve together with me as my faithful guitarist during worship time. Really, like I said, it is not about playing the right keys or sounding great, but just wanna assure you that you were AWESOME that night. I know full well that God is pleased that you are worshipping Him with your Gifts despite your tiredness in preparing for your KK trip, you still came to serve. I wished I said it last night, so that we could applaud you again, but aiya, forgive me for not remembering, so, FRIENDS, let's REPLY to a VIRTUAL applause to JON, ok?? :) *CLAP CLAP CLAP* Looking forward to serving with you more, brother!

I really liked what Colin shared last night, when he said that God is changing us and it is for our benefit, and it is something that will last through eternity (ok la, something like what you said, can't remember the exact words!). Looking back at the trophies that I have won (haha, can check it out at my family hall..), These trophies are just plastic stuff which does not have much substance or use to it. When I leave this world, I can't carry these trophies with me. Through this, I realise one thing, one thing that I am bringing along with me when I meet my Father in Heaven, is ME. I am HIS TROPHY that will last till ETERNITY. I am WORTH IT because I AM HIS MASTERPIECE. I am His PRIZED-POSSESSION.

James 1:18 (NLT) says: "He chose to give birth to us by giving us His true word. And we, out of all creation, became His prized possession...

Wow, do you get that? Not just me, but you too, are someone’s prized possession! Not just someone’s prized possession; but God Almighty’s prized possession!

Really, why do we have to go through all these painful, chiseling moments in our walk with God, just like how it says in the skit, the moment you said that you want to receive Him as your Lord and Saviour, He never promised that it was going to be easy. But one thing I believe is that, it is worth it. God doesn't create junk. He creates something that he can be PROUD of. When He created you, he said that you are GOOD. The Message Bible says “…showing us off as the crown…” WOW. He wants to chisel you to be more like His son, Jesus Christ, so that he can show us off!How cooool is that?

4 But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, 5 that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) 6 For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. 7 So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. - Ephesians 2:4-7 (NLT)

Yes, let us not be picky in how he can shape us. Be open with what He wants to chisel off in you so that you can become is everlasting masterpiece. So yeah, let's do this together as a cell. By His grace, we can be changed!

So, the same question I asked the cell last night,

What is it that God is chiseling away in you right now, and how are you responding to it?

Have a think about it Friends..
Hope you are blessed..... told you it was verbal diarhhoea... (a good one, i hope!) HAHA...

And bless you, fellow blogger reader :)

...Safe from the crazy world...

Note: this post was written through a series of time. I just never got around to finishing it till today. heh.

Not too long ago.... (more like a month ago..)

What a strange experience. With the H1N1 flu going around, I was just thnking, what are the chances of it affecting me in any way at all. Papa and mummy did not feel too well (down with fever) after their flight back from Manila so they went for a check-up.
Mum was tested negative on the flu but Pa was tested positive.

I was in the office, and I received a call in the office from the Ministry of Health Dept, and was instructed to leave the office immediately. For a moment there, the little naughty me exclaimed a silent "woohoo~~!!" in my heart =P The whole family had to be quarantined for 7 days. So yeah, I was isolated from being in contact with the outside world for a while.

Some of my friends / colleagues were envious by the thought of being quarantined, thinking that wow, working in the comfort of your own home is a gem! I thought so too, but it didn't take me long to realise that being 'imprisoned' at home is not all that fun after all. I felt that it was pretty bad timing altogether. I missed Lorraine's housewarming cum farewell party (for Joanne, who left for Singapore for a teaching course... and probably will not return any time soon since her other half is permanently settled there. heh.). I really wished I could be there. I even complained to God asking Him why does it have to happen at such a time as this. I felt agitated quite a lot. I felt abandoned. I kept craving for human attention. Yes, I confess that I am a whiner.

At the back of my mind, I felt like beating myself up for having these selfish thoughts in my mind. During one of the evenings when I was sitting outside the porch with Axel (my dog), then it hit me, my heart quietly spoke to me... slowly.. gently.. confessing -- "I miss God." I struggled in seeing the bigger picture, I forgot about asking God why do I have to go through this and what can I learn out of this. Tears welled up my eyes. I don't know how it happened. I guess it's been too long. God missed me too. I had to be plucked away from this crazy routine life that I was going through. Especially with the new job on my plate, the new cell... I just got too caught up. I always prayed asking God for what's instore, how can I change myself to be an impact to others, what can I do to please Him, etc. I got too caught up with striving for being excellent in the doing bit. It seems like I am one of those in the CROWD who wants to do SOMETHING for God, but am not one of those FEW who are willing to just stay behind and do NOTHING with Him. I know, sounds paradoxical, ain't it? He just wanted me. I had to be taken away.... safe from the crazy world, to be with Him.

Often enough, I just forget how big my God is and I run around with what I call the “Martha Syndrome” trying to make everything just right when all I needed to do is just Trust in the LORD with all heart and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6). I was reminded, again that Jesus told us to "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to us (Matthew 6:33) That’s what Mary did. She sought Jesus first. Perhaps this can be called the “Mary Solution.”

It's been almost more than a month since then, I'm still going on with my roller coaster ride with God. I know He's really moulding my character in all corners and angles.... gently rebuking my flaws. So many dreams and desires that I really want to see happening, but really, all it takes from the start is to just sit at His feet to enjoy His presence. How can we give when we are not filled?

Father God, I am sorry. And I am running back to you. There's no where better than the warmth of your embrace now. That's where I want to be... safe from a crazy world.

How much does happiness/satisfaction cost???

Last Friday, was at a meet-the-managers dinner with my fellow division team mates. I like meeting people, so I was looking forward to it. Didn't quite know what to expect out of a dinner night with bosses but since they've been hanging in this line for so long, I thought there's ought to be some good impartation that may feed my mind to convince me that it's still possible to have a balanced lifestyle and not perceiving this career path as one that is doomed to social suicide for the next few years. =SS

The dinner became somewhat like a mini-informal interview with the Managers. The usual questions were asked:

"Where are you from?"
"Why did you choose to be in the accounting line?"
"Do you play any sports?"

etc...

I sorta imagined myself being in a third party's shoe envisioning the scene at the dinner table. Funny how we just laugh at things that are not deemed to be very funny just to keep the atmosphere alive. Seems like it usually happens at meetings with superiors, eh? Weird, lah!!

I was just 2 seats away from the manager, so I decided to throw him some questions. I asked him what drives him to stay at where he is now. He said, money and the satisfaction. He mentioned that he loves watches and cars and he loves shopping a lot. He works for the money to achieve the satisfaction of owning the things that he desires for. I asked another manager the same question, his answer was the money, too.

When I heard those answers, I was deeply disappointed and I became frustrated in the spirit. Indeed, I am in no position to judge their decisions and lifestyle, but what got me thinking is that, whoa, look at the world today, people gain their satisfaction through material things. It seems like as though life is all about me, myself and I. There are so many people out there filled in their pockets, if only their money were put to good use in the kingdom of God. There are actually some trained Pastors in Sabah waiting to be sent out to mission-fields but they lack the finances -- all they need is at least RM6,000 a year. And how much have we blessed wealthy people squandered our finances in unnecessary things like a RM6,000 watch just so that we can keep ourselves happy for that one second when we look at the time?? I wished I could just scream at their faces telling them that there's more to life than just self-satisfaction. I observed around the restaurant, I even prayed in my heart, wishing that someone would share that agony of frustration over this matter. I seriously wonder, who's with me?

Indeed, God has brought some comfort to me through my dearest covenant friend when I read one of her recent blog entries. I thank God for reminding me that someone is standing in unison to my thoughts and beliefs and I am of course, not gonna be alone in this. I quote from her blog:

"....How normal the desire for that kind of life can appear to be. How quickly when we take our eyes off God and out of the Bible, we can buy into the lies that this life is about ME.
How scary is it that we can quickly become accustomed to such values and morals and see those things as acceptable.
How normal co-habitation seemed to be. How normal adultery seemed to be. How normal it is to place value on emotions over commitment and Biblical convictions. How normal it is to place value on the exterior beauty over internal beauty.
How foreign Biblical principles such as purity seemed to be. How non-existent it was the concept of God and purpose in life! How non-existent the concept of living for something other than yourself.
How normal it was to pursue the happiness, the needs and wants of ME.

....this life is NOT about me. It’s not about the perfect life that I deserve and should have. It’s not just about making money, staying thin and beautiful, marrying the perfect husband, and having the perfect 2.1 kids or whatever it is.
I was reminded that that’s NOT the legacy I want to leave. That’s NOT how I want to spend my life. Despite what the world says, we are all sinners, lost in sin. I didn't deserve anything, but Jesus created, pursued and saved me. This life is His. So I’m willing to give that all up to fulfill His purpose in my life. I don’t want to be caught up in this world- but to be focused on the one to come."

Her sharing truly reinforces my beliefs in being in the world but not of the world. I wanna live a God-satisfied life but not a self-satisfied life!!!

Cait, I so wanted to hug and kiss you when I read that entry. HAHA!!! Really needed to hear that from someone else. Thank you for being there, though in a subtle, unintentional manner!! Well, I guess it was intentional by our Daddy in Heaven, anyway. *giggles* Indeed we are not covenant friends for nothing. =D

So, is anyone else with us??? XD

Silver spoon in my mouth...

Have you ever felt guilty of having the silver spoon fed into your mouth?? Well, I do. Very often, in fact! It kinda started off when a cheeky colleague of mine started a random chat with me during our social bowling outing on Friday night. He said something like this,

"Whoa.. you ahh, must be a rich kid's daughter, right? So fashionable, carry expensive phone....you're like from high society type. Everything must be just a platinum credit card swipe away, right???"

............ =__=


Seriously, it made me pondered what actually gave him that impression. Now that brought be through a guilt trip to look back upon my life in how things are given to me although I never quite desired for it. Truthfully, what he said is kinda..quite true. =S


...Papa got me a phone I never desired for. Don't really appreciate it as much as others do. And beats me why some people are dying to own it. *shrug*

...Papa serviced the car and changed all tyres for me before I drove down to KL.

...When I first arrived KL, I got rather worried about surviving on KL road directions on my own. I prayed *Walla!!*...Papa bought a GPS System from his Singapore trip because it was on promotional price when he was at Sim Lim Square. He loan it to me to make sure I don't end up in Timbuktu while driving. (HAHA..... surprise!! Now you know my secret to my *ahem* direction skills in KL. Think my sense of direction so good??? NAH~~~ !! =P)

...Tolls in KL are everywhere. Seriously, it's just super duper expensive to survive here--Especially on the road. I was grumbling in my heart thinking about the massive cost and before I know it, Papa actually stopped by the toll plaza office and got me a Smart Tag (it's a little censor machine that reads prepaid toll cards) and topped up lotsa $$$ into the card, too!

Honestly, I sometimes still struggle over my life of privilege. Aren't I spoiled to the brim or what? What did I do to deserve it and, worst of all, how much of it have I squandered without a care in the world? While I enjoyed this life of privilege, it was ultimately at the expense of Papa's hard work.

While driving back from work in the midst of the traffic jam yesterday, something kinda came across my mind. I thought, I am too loaded not to do something with what I have. In a very funny way, I started singing that Hillsong song, "so blessed, I can't contain it, so much a gotta give it away...your love has taught me to live now... you are more than enough for me!!" *LoL* Passing drivers must be thinking this girl must be super high on.. something. YAH!! I am high on God's blessings, man!!!

Yes, I am different. Yes, no doubt I am privileged. Yes, I have access to opportunities that others do not. Like Shakespeare said - "All the world's a stage. And all the men and women merely players." The ultimate tragedy is for me to deny my character and waste my purpose in God's stage play.

Coincidentally, I browsed through a random blog online today and found something reassuring and affirmative to my thoughts. It's an exerpt from Nelson Mandela's 1994 inaugural speech when he was elected President of South Africa:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate, our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be fabulous, brilliant, talented, gorgeous? Actually, who are you not to be, you are a child of God and playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, like children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in every one of us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give people permission to do the same."

FOoH Laa.. So convicted to do something. My hands are itching...
God has given me an opportunity to join a hospital visitation this coming Saturday with a group of church mates. First time experience. This is gonna be exciting. I'd love to learn from the experienced ones. I so..so...soo...wanna be an impacter!!

So, what about you? Got anything on your list to polish that shine, lately?

Are you a promise keeper?

I was at Subang Parade (it's a mall) today. Being at Subang Parade reminded me of an incident which happened a month back when I was here in KL lodging with my relatives during my interview week.

Remember I mentioned before that I have been watching heaps of Taiwanese dramas over the weekdays with my Mum? Well, I kinda continued on following the series while I was down here in KL with my relatives. My 8-year-old cousin, Debra got a little curious and started to sit in with me so we watched the 6pm drama on AEC together. She's rather talkative by nature, so unsurprisingly, she bombarded me with heaaaaaps of questions about the drama.

"Jiejie... why did that man fight with the other man?"
"Jiejie... why these 2 men like the same girl?"
"Jiejie... what are gangsters??"

etc..etc..etc....

HAHA... yeshhh, I was patient enough to explain the details to her. Anyway, that's kinda besides the point :PP. When the show ended, she told me that she wanted to continue watching the series together with me. So, I said to her that I will accompany her watching the series the next day, same time at 6pm.

I went to Subang Parade the next day for a walk around just for the sake of getting out of the house. I like the fact that I was alone in the mall, taking my time browsing through every nook and cranny of the mall. Then, I heard my mobile ringing. It was Debra.

Debra: "Hello... jiejie!! It's almost 6 o'clock. Where are you??"

Me: "I'm at Subang Parade. Why?"

Debra: "Uhh....the 6 o'clock show is going to start soon. You promised me that we're gonna watch it together, remember?"

Me: "Oh no....yeah, but jiejie forgot. I don't think I can come back on time for the show. D'you mind watching it by yourself?"

Debra: "But I don't understand Hokkien and my Malay is not good enough to read the subtitles. You need to explain the show to me, remember???" Haihh... It's ok. I'll just skip the show."

Me: "You sure?? I'm so sorry..."

Debra: "It's ok... I'll see you later then"

Both of us: "Bye."

Gosh... I felt utterly guilty after hanging up the line. Honestly, when I told Debra that I'll watch the show with her the next day, I didn't quite take my word seriously. I have to admit that it was plainly because I was talking to an 8-year-old. I didn't expect her to take my word for it. I figured that most likely she'd forget what I said by the next day, assuming that kids' got short attention span anyway. Man, I was so wrong. There was this tugging by the Holy Spirit in me reminding me of a few verses about being a promise-keeper. One that clearly stood out in my mind was this:

21 If you make a vow to the LORD your God, do not be slow to pay it, for the LORD your God will certainly demand it of you and you will be guilty of sin. 22 But if you refrain from making a vow, you will not be guilty. 23 Whatever your lips utter you must be sure to do, because you made your vow freely to the LORD your God with your own mouth.

Deuteronomy 23:21-23

It was such a big ouch for me during that moment. It made me think of all the promises I've made before the Lord. Those moments during alter-calls when the worship songs sounded so right and I was singing it so loudly to Him...when goosebumps were showing all over my skin... the adrenaline rush was pumping my heart really hard...tears were soaking up my eyes...my arms were way up high in the air trying so hard to reach Him...that spur of a moment, it felt so perfect, right and easy to say that I promise to surrender my life to Him.

This really made me ponder, who is God in my life. Where does He stand in terms of status? When I made those vows, was His status parallel to an 8-year-old kid in my mindset? I couldn't help but repent immediately to God. He reminded me greatly that a promise is a promise, irregardless of who you made your promise to. Wow, what more for the promises made to God, the creator! He reminded me that He detests lying lips, but He delights in men who are truthful (Proverbs 12:22). I feel greatly challenged and yes, I admit that I may have sometimes swayed away and got distracted over worldly things. There are times when I feel that I can't keep up to what I offered. But I am still trying and trusting Him all the way in helping the weakling me to fulfill my word. If the external promise is so important, then how about the eternal promise made at the risk of your life? A promise with the Father is an eternal one, which is kept not only in this world but also in the spiritual world.

What about you? Have you been fulfilling your part as a promise-keeper?

When our faith is tested by fire..

Ever felt that when you're serving Him so actively that sometimes you wonder why you do what you do and yet it's so easy to recite to yourself that you serve Him and His people because you KNOW His son died for you on the cross, paid for your sins and gave up everything for you just because He loves you. And you feel that it's only natural to reciprocate that love but, sometimes it's easy to give it back and some other times, you feel that you can't seem to remember how to translate that knowledge into a conviction?

I couldn't help but remember the times when I felt that apathy was slowly chewing into my thoughts during my journey with God. I felt that I misplaced something. Where is the fire? Where is my passion? I can't push myself to love someone I have no feelings for. I have failed God. When my faith hits the wall, I often beat myself up with frustration and insecurity, my heart filled with sense of guilt thinking that I seriously am not deserving of His love.

The greatest inspiration that helped me to pick myself up again during these moments is when I am reminded of Apostle Peter. This is a man who discovered that Christ knew his flawed heart and wanted to transform him.

We know that Peter is one who's heart is very willing to go all out for Jesus. However, Jesus' words must have shocked him greatly when he said that he will be a betrayer unto him, not once, but 3 times (Luke 22:33-34)!
With the words fresh in his mind, Peter even tried proving himself by protecting Jesus from being taken away by slitting off one of the soldier's ear during the commotion. Interestingly, Jesus healed the soldier's ear and Peter had to step aside. Peter must have been utterly confused at that moment! As we know, the prophesy that Jesus spoke came to past. Peter did disown Jesus 3 times before the rooster crowed the next morning. Nothing could have described that agony within Peter when he realised what he had done. When it mattered most, he failed. He probably felt that he lost his conscience. He didn't know himself, and he didn't know Jesus.

Notice these verses below as Jesus reinstates Peter in John 21:15-17.

15When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."

16Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."

17 The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."

Jesus said, "Feed my sheep.

Peter used the word 'know' that translates God's omniscient characteristic. He knows Peter will disown him 3 times but by seeing through his heart, he knows he really loves him. Notice the compassion that Christ has for this passionate, brave but imperfect man? He entrusted Peter with a mission of his lifetime. After Christ's ascension, Peter became a changed man. He truly became 'the rock' that Jesus established him to be and became the head of Christ's followers. His downfall made him rise up again. Just when he thought that all was over, it was actually only just the beginning!

It was during the last meal that Jesus gave Peter one of the greatest gifts of all. Peter just didn't recognise it at that moment. Jesus told him, "Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." (Luke 22:31-32).

Sometimes we may feel disappointed by our carnal attitudes that we feel stuck in a situation that we wish we could fix immediately. We may feel like we fell into a deep pit and we don't even remember how we got in there, and it's so deep that we don't know how to save ourselves out from it.
Just like Peter, we may fail God many times in our walks with Him but ultimately God will prevail, and no matter how we fall, our faith will still stand because Jesus is praying for us!! Way before we fall, he has already covered and protected us in his prayers! Your fall may be an opportunity for him to let you taste that first love that he's given you, again. It's like when you live in a city, you can easily find McDonald's anywhere. It's so easy to find that you don't crave for it as much. But when you are placed in a land far, far away (joining Mr Shrek, HAHA =P) with no McD's available, you kinda forgot how good the burgers taste. And when you're back in the city again, tasting it again after so long makes it tastes just as good as the first time you tasted it.
I hope I am making some sense here!! =P

Friends, if you are down in your faith, you felt like you forgot how to love God, do not be dismayed. Based on the portrayal of Peter's life, he forgotten Jesus 3 times, but he found his first love again, through his mistakes! I truly believe that it is just the beginning. Turn back and go strengthen your brothers (Luke 22:32b)! Your downfalls are your transformation moments which are going to be beautiful testimonies shared to encourage others and also, glorify His Name!

"If you think you cannot love God, you are wrong, the problem is you do not really know how much HE loves you." - Author unknown.

PS: Dear brother-in-Christ (you know who you are :P), as promised, here's the revelation I was meant to share with you. I hope this post spoke to you... ^_^

朋友们，Shall we keep in touch?

Don't know why, just couldn't help but remember my schoolmates of my high school days -- (I was in an All Girls' Chinese High School) -- I was once teased to be a banana-skinned chic who doesn't listen to Chinese Music, the English language "guru" (which I don't think I am as good as they think I was.).. the bottomline was we live in "different worlds" and it's just quite difficult to go beyond just being school mates.
I found a set of friends and they do certain things I do, but I wouldn't say I agreed with all the things they used to do, but I pushed myself to "fit in".

Things changed when I couldn't push myself to be who I am not, anymore. I slowly stepped back and left in the shadow. No more shopping at the malls together, no more hanging out at the girls' place talking about boys, no more comparing dress senses. All no more. I left my usual seat at the canteen with the girls, empty.

I wondered, are these friendships worth keeping? Wait a minute, were we even friends from the beginning? I confess that I have allowed misconceptions to cloud my mind. I agreed with what my mind thought how I looked like in your minds. I backed away... and now, I feel like I was the baddie, instead. If only glue could make a broken vase look just as beautiful as it was before it fell onto the ground.

Reality sets in to remind me that I am back in this island for good, I remember my alma mater -- my high school mates, especially. Nothing can change the fact that I am a "Peng-Hwa gal."
The island is relatively small. There's always a high possibility that you'd bump into someone you know and it happens pretty often when you were once in a school with almost 3000 students. Strolling around Queensbay Mall brought me in physical contact with quite a number of my ex-school mates already. I see them from a distance, and I just didn't know how to begin with the simple word, "hello" anymore. I even forgot your names. How do I begin with those small talks? After these small talks, would there still be a possibility of keeping in touch? I do wonder how you are, did I ever cross your mind, too? I hope so.

My high school mates. Many of you left different sets of footprints in my life. Some trotted with me through happy times, stood with me through detention, some ran together with me (through the tough times... PMR..SPM~~oh-the-agony of exams.), some lifted my feet. I beat myself for holding on to the memories of being "stepped all over" more than the rest mentioned.

People walk in and out of our lives. I browsed through Facebook and it was one of the girls' birthday yesterday. I wrote a short note to send my birthday wishes. We've shared memories in the past. Most of us, technologically, we're still connected.. just through the wires of a computer. We're "friends" on Friendster and Facebook, but does this label anything beyond the words? You're all at the other end of the world and ironically, I am back here. Will we connect again on hard ground? Will I ever see your feet again? I hope you haven't walked out yet. It's different now. Times have change along with the extra lines we have on our faces. Is there room for grace? My heart cringe when I look at how things ended.... or perhaps, more like "hanging at the cliff", with certain things unsaid.

Well, above all else, my prayer for all of you is that you will be well. Take care.

PS: On another note, thank God for you, Ee Wey. Thicks and thins... You've always been my saving grace :) High School mateys for life!! *HugZ*

PPS: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, MELMEL!!!!! I DIDN'T FORGET. JUST DIDN'T CALL ON TIME! I WILL, SOON!! ^__^

My foot is tapping... tapping... tapping....

Have you ever had an experience that you were eagerly looking forward to a moment and your mind kept revolving around that "moment", you could hardly focus on anything else? Sometimes you even wish that you could speed time up so that you could just catch a glimpse of it way before hand. Truly, it's not wrong to have that eagerness building up in us but often enough, this matter revolves around the test of patience... or rather, (whether you like it or not) IMPATIENCE.

My journey called "life" took a rather big turn and I honestly still think it's a miracle that I allowed myself to step into where I am now. So what have I been up to, you wonder. I have been staying home most of my time and occasionally driving mum to the hospital. That's pretty much the major highlights of my life now. Sounds like there's nothing much to shout about in comparison to my previously much tighter schedule that I had back in Brisbane. Now, I have so much time in my hands that I don't know what to do with it. I knew I did request for a "break", but I never expected it to be *this* LONGGG (Be careful what you pray for?? HAHA~~!!). I'd be silly to complain, I know. But I can't help but feel like a "nomad" at times, still roaming around wishing I could feel more settled a little earlier. It's frustrating and sometimes I wish commanding myself to stop thinking about it would just put a full-stop to my thoughts but I still couldn't help it. As I am going through this time of transition, I realised that I have never quite grasp what waiting upon the Lord really meant (...and still figuring...=__=). Looks like impatience is slowly climbing onto me. What was I thinking?? My focus was based on what "I" want, rather than "what can I do to make good use of my time while I wait?"

I can never build patience by my own strength and I really need God to help me build this quality. In Galatians 5:22, the fruits of the spirit are listed and patience is one of them, therefore I have no doubt at all that patience is a quality that is vital in a Christ-believer's life. Christ is our strength and he can help us learn to wait. Each day we have is a gift from God and each moment we have is meant to be used wisely and for good. Yeah, so while I wait, gotta pick up those books that I received as gifts from friends and start digesting them into my spiritual soul (LOOK, MEL~~ I am reading the Sheila Walsh book now, it's really awesome!! Thanks!!! ~~ Oh, and I'll read yours soon, Didi!), listen to sermons on my iPOD during those long hours hospital waits, reading every nook and cranny of the newspapers to keep myself on the edge of what's happening locally.

I turned from this....

.....to this. (HeHeHe...well, at least I am trying to. =P)

Ahh well, I know it'll be worth the wait. God has proven it so many times and I know He'll do it again. As I choose to let God have the last word on the subject, I trust that I will hear Him encouraging me in James 1:3-4, "Knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

Anyways, on a side note, I have attended my first cell group just now. I was one of the younger ones there and well, this is a breath of fresh air. Although I am going to be based in this CG for just a short period of time before I relocate to Kuala Lumpur, I am eagerly looking forward to getting to know these group of faith-filled people. I have joined them for several meal-outings and am adapting quite well with them. Oh yeah, I had an early "April babies" birthday celebration with them just now, too. =D
Also, I've got an assessment/interview coming up on the 15th and an interview on the 17th, if I get short-listed. I am really rooting on this firm so keep me in prayer. May God's will be done.


Lord, I love the way you write the story of my life. Every chapter brings many uncertainties but yet always ends beautifully in Your perfect way. Though I struggle to let go of certain things, I pray that you will help me to surrender them all to You. I thank you for giving me the eyes to see that every moment of my life spells out how You were a part of it. I will not let anyone write my story but You. Waiting for more chapters to come....

Taking the right steps...

Last Saturday, I went jungle trekking with Ee Wey and her course mates at the Penang National Park. There were 5 of us, including me. I was pretty excited that morning as it felt like a sense of deja vu recalling memories of the time when I went hiking together at Springbrook with the Judah Seventeers. (Oh, I so miss the singing sessions in the woods with you girls..."the hills are alive.....with the sound of music.. la-la-la.." *hicc hicc* I felt like a drunktard, then.. baahahaha! =P)

We arrived at the Teluk Bahang entrance at about 11.20-ish and got ourselves registered at the counter as day-hikers intending to make our way up to the historical Muka Head Lighthouse, which is sited on the granite peak, fronting the coastline of the Straits of Malacca.

It's a good thing I had the opportunity to step into mother nature that day..the weather was just nice, coupled with some droplets of rain. It's been pouring quite a lot here lately. Truthfully, it happens so often that I forgot how to appreciate it.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings, here are some photos I took during my little "adventure" up the steep slopes and rocky cliffs. I'm a little zonked out so I'll let the photos paint the words. (Unfortunately, I only took photos when I was on flat ground. Aiyaks... I don't really have the photos to prove the challenging paths. =S)

The Entrance

Wey and I at the Sungai Tekun Bridge. We did some "jumping act" on it to *ahem* test its sustainability.
Not bad.. =P

Putting our jumping skills to test...


Ahh...We've arrived at Teluk Duyung aka "Monkey Beach" and this is only halfway through.. *pant pant*


Oh no... obstacle ahead!! The tides were too high that day.... How are we gonna go past this 1-metre deep stream??
Someone came up with a "brilliant" idea..

Taddaa!! Wey preparing for her jumping stunt.. Let's see whether this works..


Oops.. FAIL!!! Haha... Nah, we all made it but she missed it by 1/2 metre.. teeheee!!!


On to the next phase.. 600 steps to climb and some more trekking paths to conquer... (notice that "being" tapping her feet up there?? Size does not matter! Wey's petite but don't underestimate her stamina!!)

Finally, after almost 3 hours, we've made it to the top!! Yay!!

Admittedly, I’d say the way up to the lighthouse was rather challenging. It’s approximately 4000m to get all the way up to the top and definitely tougher compared to the routes in Springbrook because some of the routes had no proper trekking path and also, much steeper. Almost died breathless!!! =S

Interestingly, this hiking experience made me think about decision-making in getting towards a certain purpose. (Gee, I think I am starting to feel like I can really relate to Apostle Paul, associating life like a race with a finishing line. That’s why I love sports! =D) Making a decision in life is like when I was at the rocky cliffs, I had to make sure that I stepped on the right spots to make sure that that spot which I lay my foot on is able to sustain my weight or wasn’t slippery so I wouldn’t stumble and fall. Making the right step is the key to not falling and hurting my bum – delaying the time to reach the lighthouse; it is also like the key to not falling out of God’s will to reach His destined purpose for our lives.

Pondering upon that, yesterday, Mummy was feeling some discomfort caused by the side-effects of her treatment so she had to be admitted into hospital for further observation. When I was in the car, I looked up to the sky; I couldn't help but smile. Why? Because I thought, “There’s no place I’d rather be but to be in this car, driving Mummy to the hospital."

Yeah, that's my foot. Super bad angle, I know. hahaha...FATZZZ!! Not tasty! =P

…I have made the right step. This is the place to be.

As I am writing this post, I am with Mummy right now, in the hospital. The time is now 1.30am and she’s asleep while I type this. Hehe… I brought my laptop so I could keep myself busy. There’s no internet connection in the hospital so by the time this post is up on the blog, I should be at home already.

Anyway, thank you so much to everyone for offering to pray for my mum. I believe she’s in good hands now. She will recover in Jesus’ Name!! =D

Also, Happy Burpday, Amelia Sho shooo!! =D

It’s late now… my eyes are closing~~ Time for bed! Till then… =D

Motivation...

I've been feeling quite sluggish since the day I arrived back home. I realised my body clock turned a little wonky when I started waking up at 7.30am in the morning (which I usually don't) almost everyday. By mid-afternoon, I'd feel extremely sleepy and I couldn't help but plunk myself onto my bed for an afternoon nap. Argh.. Not a very good sign!! So, I thought getting out of the house to do some exercise may help re-energize myself a bit. Ee Wey gave me a ring a few days back and offered to bring me to Fitness First using her Guest Pass. Thank God for her, God really knows what I need at the right time!I was really looking forward to getting back into my gym-ing lifestyle that I used to practice back when I was in Brisbane. So yeah, Fitness First, I am back!!


I love exercising. Not because I am very good at it but it is because of the powerful way it speaks about the word "motivation". I enjoy running on the treadmill and weight-lift with just me, myself, and my trusty little green iPod Nano blasting very upbeat Praise songs like "Running After You" or "The Freedom We Know", which usually helps a lot to keep my feet off the ground to push myself towards my limits. At times, when I am at the edge of giving up, I always visualise and place my focus on something--like I am reaching towards it (Hmm.. maybe think... Haagan Daz Cookies & Creams flavoured ice-cream coated with double-layered chocolate icing etc etc..*drool...* I want!! Just kidding!!!) And putting God as being that "something" never failed to keep me motivated. Often enough, I am reminded of the words that Apostle Paul spoke of:

Hebrews 12:1-3 : Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

So true, isn't it? It all has to do with what's in the head. If you feel defeated, you are defeated. Perhaps you may ask yourself what do you really want to achieve at the end of the day? What actually drew you to endure the struggle all the way to the end? It made me reflect upon how Jesus endured the pain on the cross for undeserving beings like us. He could have chosen to turn back and change His mind when it was just hurting too much but he did not. He finished what he had to accomplish. He thought it was all worth it. Ever wondered what motivated him? The answer is simple, because he loves us.

And.... after that one hour++ of exercise, Ee Wey and Dave brought me to dinner and I had Pan Mee...
Oh the downfall of living in Penang aka Food Paradise. Ha-ha...Let 's just say I still need to work on what we call, "discipline".