Obsession?

Some time early this year, someone from the HR department came by to our cubicles and posted each of us this question, "What is your obsession?" It was actually in conjunction with our firm's New Year party's theme, called... no surprise, "Obsession". She gave us a paper to write down our obsession. I hesitated for a long time wondering what should I pen down. I was tempted to write down "Jesus" or "God" or something related to my faith. Surely it wasn't quite something appropriate to state as an obsession, at least not for a company event.
So... I wrote, singing. I love singing. I really do. I love singing love songs to my God. At least that's something subtly connected with my faith... a little secret that only I know about.

Been thinking about this word "obsession" lately.
It got me wondering whether I would be lying to myself or just faking a religious act if I really did write down "Jesus" as my obsession. Was I even "qualified" in my heart to declare such a bold statement.

On a random note, don't know if this relates.
I had a dream last night, which got me thinking.
A friend's dad was in it. One thing that I can remember clearly, the colour of his shirt. We were in a noodle shop. He was holding a tray of noodles and a few kids were around him. I was standing at the side, also holding my own bowl of noodles.
He waved at me and asked me to join him at the table.
I hesitated. Walked towards the table... took a few steps away and decided to take the table behind him. Sitting alone. And I ate my noodles. At that moment, I felt like I was too embarassed, unworthy, unqualified to sit with him. But I also knew, I felt sad, disappointed, discouraged that I chose to sit away.

Don't really know whether this dream meant anything. Don't really know how this makes sense but a friend mentioned to me that man seemed to be like "God".
Feeling unworthy to go near to God? Hmm.
I almost forgotten about the dream until I saw that Uncle from afar at church today. He wore the same coloured shirt.
Hmm again. What's with dreams and coloured shirts and me?! I seem to get that dejavu a lot.

Anyway, back to the 'obsession', I wished I wrote something else instead of just 'singing'. Instead of just singing to God, I really want to do more than just singing. Been reflecting upon the decisions that I have made to be where I am now. The church that I am in, the cell that I am in. In ministry, though I honestly miss the experience a lot, I chose not to serve in the worship ministry. i felt that my heart wants to get personal with people. The burden that I feel for, at the moment, is for my generation of young adults. I believe there's a whole lot of potential in this group of people that I am surrounded with. I always wanted to believe in the best of everyone even with the littlest things of how they can be a blessing to God through the simplest observations when I look at them. I couldn't help but believe. I have been carrying this feeling for a long time. I didn't choose this church because it is at an 'expectation' that I envision them to be so that I can receive or serve comfortably. I chose here because I am challenged to serve. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. But I felt challenged to make a difference in this ground. There's a lot more that we need to grow in. I wish to see the YAs passion for God reignite again, more of us running back to Your throne, where we truly belong, hearts constantly filled with Your fire, surrendering all that we have and knowing what is Yours that we cannot give, inspired by You to rise up in spirit and in truth, desperate to have a glimpse of You, even if it has to cause us ourselves, people not living in this world waiting to be entertained but disturbed to do something that will glorify Your Name, be the difference maker that breaks down the walls of deception, wanting to walk the way that leads to Your heart, considering others above ourselves, living a life that echoes the declaration that Jesus is truly our Lord...
Honestly, my heart of little faith still does question my intentions, discontentments, frustrations etc., whether I will take the steps of Peter in denying God. Oh God may I be the faithful one.
I desire to be sold-out to Jesus. I want to be that difference. The difference maker. The difference do-er. I want that to continue to be my obsession. Even when my flesh fails me, let this be a constant reminder of my promise that I have given to Him, I want to take the road less traveled. Even if I have to face the reality of disappointments, watching others taking the other side of the road. Even if it breaks me, I still want to hang on and believe that nothing is impossible with God. Help me to hang on, dear God. It's Your business, I'm just doing my part to carry small parts of it. I know I'm not alone in this.

The photo taken for the event. It's now pinned at my cubicle.
Difference maker wannabe!